A few weeks ago I got together with some good friends for a catch-up, and over one too many glasses of wine, the conversation turned to what we would do in an apocalypse. We talked survival tactics and laughed that only four of us would fit in the getaway vehicle. It was unanimously decided that I would be one of the people left behind… why? Not because I’m dreadful company on road trips- but because I had absolutely zero survival knowledge.
I’ve been a bit of an indoors girl. I cannot make a fire, and I can barely run. More to the point my allergies to almost everything would probably render me utterly useless in the wilderness. Still- I realised that there are things I wish I knew about the outdoors, and so, (as one would expect) I have come up with a list of things I plan to learn over the next few years- in the hopes that if an apocalyptic event happens one day, I will be able to survive in the wild:
1. Learn to make a fire from scratch.
2. Make basic smoke signals.
3. Cook on said fire.
4. Tie knots like a sailor.
5. Learn how to read a compass…
6. And on that note, get a compass.
7. Study how to say “Help, I am lost,” “do you have any food” and “No thanks, no hanky panky” in relevant foreign languages (and/or alien language if apocalypse is caused by space invasion)
8. How to put up a tent, rather than just stand around giving “moral support”.
9. Figure out how the gas stove thing works, without singeing off eyebrows in the process.
10. How to catch a fish.
11. How to tell the difference between yummy plants and deadly plants.
12. How to play guitar (you know, for around the campfire. Jeez- might be the end of the world but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a morale boost once in a while)
13. Learn how to throw a knife like John Locke from LOST.
Hmmm. I wonder if I can pull of a flannel shirt in the process of all this wildernessyness?